PERSONAL STORY: TREZRUN LAWRENCE

Oh Good I'm not Insane

The pain ripped through my belly and back like a hot poker. I felt like I would die. I thought maybe I had the flu or something. I ran to the toilet, and no, I found just blood. Congratulations, I'd started my period. Being 13, I was excited but I was also scared. Why did it hurt so very much? Was there something wrong with me? The other girls didn't talk about intense pain.

I'd have that question go unanswered for years. My doctor told me to just take a few aspirin and I'd be fine. Maybe it was my nerves. Maybe I should try to exercise more. After all if you're in great shape, these "problems" happen less. Sure, at 100 pounds or less and dancing all the time, sure, exercise would help.

I wasn't patted on the head, but the contempt and annoyance I felt radiating from my doctor was immense. He gave me low doses of what is now called Aleve. I learned to say, "Yes, that helped, thank you". He stopped looking at me like I was an idiot and I thought, "well, see, there is something wrong with you, it's all in your head". I must be a big baby, since other women handle it just fine.

I moved out of state and went to another doctor. When the exam was over and she asked if there was anything else, I hesitantly mentioned my cramps. She seemed to listen, I mean really listen. I started spilling my guts to her about the horrid pain, the birth control pills helping a little, and that I was taking more and more Tylenol. I got up to 18 Tylenol in a six hour period. Heating pads, rest, tea, exercise, nothing was really helping. I was in pain. She asked a few other questions and as I answered them, I felt defiant that I was being honest. After all, maybe she'd think I was crazy but my friends didn't complain like I did, they didn't hurt like I did.

Endometriosis. I'd never heard of it before in my life. I started doing research and reading how pregnancy would help. Well, luckily I didn't have my kids for that reason, because three kids later, I still have the pain with every cycle that comes along. At least it's not so intense every time. If I'm not on the pill, I have pain throughout my cycle, and during sex. Great. I tried a laparoscopy and that didn't help either. Birth control pills almost help. Codeine either doesn't help or it knocks me out. Exercise helps some but mostly just getting the cycle over with is all that stops the pain. So here I am, a 33 year old woman. I really don't think about my endo at all, except when I want to get pregnant, when I have a period. I think of the time I cried and screamed, rocking back and forth in the hallway floor. My husband wanted to take me to the emergency room but I wouldn't let him, after all, it was just my period.

I've been written up at three different jobs. I'm glad I'm a stay at home mom now. I hated getting that talking to. Now, you've got to come to work, yes, the doctor's notes are nice, but really you need to be here. Sure me, my heating pad, and my codeine, we'll all come in. Everyone knew your personal business and now they think you're crazy and hysterical too.

Endo. Lovely. At least it has a name, people still don't understand if they have't had the pain. They still think I'm "milking" it. Sure, it's just a "woman's problem" , nothing really important. It's just your period. They still look at you oddly and make lame suggestions, like, have you tried Midol? Pampren? Gosh, what a great idea.

My mother had a full hysterectomy by the time she was 24. As far as I can gather it was due to intense pelvic pain. She's dead now, but something tells me it was probably endometriosis.

Well I don't want a hysterectomy. I don't want to be doped up on codeine and I don't want to be laid up for two to four days a month. More than that, I don't want my daughter dealing with this.

Endometriosis. At least it's got a name.

Trezrun Lawrence