PERSONAL STORY: JUSTUS

Today I Will Go On

I guess you could say it began 22 years ago. In reality, my fight is just beginning.

Since getting the actual diagnosis of endometriosis, I have gone through any number of emotional twists and turns. Each one has led me to a different place. Each time, I see a different part of myself. Each bump guides me towards another. With each side step, I hope that I am growing and learning a fraction of what I believe I have.

Some days, I'm not quite sure it's only the endo tearing at my heart. It's the normal every day stresses of having a marriage and children. It's the infernal wear and tear from having a multiply handicapped child. It's the mental game I play against myself.

In the past six months, I have watched my son's medical condition worsen. In the past three months, I have been an active participant in the deterioration of my marriage. In the past four weeks, I have argued with myself about how to handle my ex-husbands emotional and physical negligence of my kids. In the past three weeks, I have come to the realization that my condition is worsening. In the past two weeks, I have driven 1500 miles to get help for my son, then watch as he ended up in Intensive Care. In the past seven days, I have attempted to let go of my support. Today, I will go on.

Today, I will make amends with my peers. Even if that means I embarrass myself. There is almost nothing worse than opening your mouth with self-destructive thoughts to people you barely know, and then realizing how wrong you were. Fortunately, that realization also comes with a belief that you CAN get through this. Also fortunate are the ones who have friends going through some of the same, and knowing they will understand.

Today, I will tell my husband how much I love him. I will remind him how much his love and support means to me. Even if I don't always recognize that HIS way of showing me support may be different than what I think I need to see. I will thank God, once again, for bringing my husband's light into my lifetime. I will do something loving toward my husband even if I believe I need it more than he does. Reminding myself of the many things he has given to me when he was suffering too.

Today, I will be conscious of my faith in myself to teach my children the true sense of love and compassion. Overshadowing the impressions they receive from their biological father. I will feel secure in the fact that my kids are with my husband and I 310 days of the year. With that knowledge, trusting that I have the advantage of time.

Today, I will embrace God's trust in me to allow me to raise one of His special children. I will call upon all of Gods love to overpower my feelings of hatred towards those who caused these incapacitates in my son. I will draw on all of Gods strength when my condition is limiting me from physically caring for him. When his health is threatened, I will remember that he is mine only for the time God allows. That if he should ever leave this earth, I will rejoice in the knowledge that my Adam is now whole.

Today, I will believe in my own spiritual ability to overcome. Reflecting on the many things I have ALREADY survived. When I am given a medical option, I will be thankful that I am literate and can find out more about it. Even more grateful that I can make my own decision. As the pain drags me down mentally, I will be gladdened by the wonders of science and it's ability to provide medication. When I am feeling alone, I will empower myself with the knowledge that I am NOT. Loved ones are readily available right in my home and those who suffer from the same ailment are an Internet click or phone call away. I will humbly feel blessed with the ability to share my emotions and knowledge with others.

Today, I will go on. Tomorrow is another day that I can soon call "today".

Justus