PERSONAL STORY: DANIELLE COBB

The Battle that Changed Everything

For as long as I can remember, I have always had really bad cycles. Bad PMS ran in my family BUT this was way too excessive. I cramped all month long, two weeks before and two weeks after. Hot baths became my friend.

This battle with pelvic pain started at age 16. Like I said before, periods for me were always torture. I never could understand why I had to be in so much pain all the time. I knew there had to be a cause, but what?

Five years later, I got married and we decided to start trying to conceive. We just stopped all precautionary measures. We had been trying since our wedding day night. Nothing ever happened. The pain continued and went on and got worse.

It was about 9 months later when I decided to seek help for my pelvic pain and painful intercourse. Sex hurt so much (and still does to this day). I found a gynecologist and we started the search for answers to discovering causes for my pain and what to do for it.

The word "endometriosis" was brought up, after a routine exam. The pelvic exam the gynecologist performed about sent me to the roof, pain wise. GOD, it hurt. I just about felt like dying. My complaints matched those of many women who had been diagnosed with endometriosis. Like every woman, to determine if endometriosis was the cause of my pain, I would have to undergo a laparoscopy.

I had my laparoscopy a month later. The only thing he found were pelvic adhesions and chocolate cysts. Then in May, I had a HSG to determine the condition of my fallopian tubes, as we were still interested in trying to conceive. The HSG came out normal, and I was relieved. But the pain remained.

I was given every known pain medication. I tried the percocet, darvocet, vicodin, vicoprofen. Nothing helped, and I do mean NOTHING. The doctor was totally baffled by this. When it came to the pain medicines, I knew I couldn't take them and still function. I work at night and I was afraid that if I took them, there was a good possibility my driving would be impaired.

The pain medicine cycle went on for another couple of months. Then we started talking about my wanting to try and have a baby. He told me that if we were still intending to try to conceive, then maybe I needed help in that department.

Well, no baby, no nothing. Finally, the pain got to the point where I was calling my gynecologist almost every week. It was then brought to me that I had a couple of choices, none of them a sure thing.

I was given the choice of a partial hysterectomy, a presacral neurectomy, or a total abdominal hysterectomy with removal of ovaries and tubes. Of all my choices, the hysterectomy was suggested to be the best possible option for me.

I talked it over with my husband Greg, who basically said, do whatever you want. I felt so awful, and I still do, even after the fact. I had my hysterectomy on 11/17/99, almost 2 years ago. My doctor was going to do his best to try and save my left ovary if it looked all right. It turns out that both ovaries were badly damaged, and nothing could be saved. So, I ended up being put into surgical menopause.

As far as the kids thing goes, I found out the day after my hysterectomy that I never could have had kids anyway. In one way, it brought me closure to the fact I was wondering all along whether or not it could have been possible.

On the other hand, I had this big hole in my heart because I never was going to experience motherhood myself. I would never get to give birth to a child of my own. I felt robbed, and cheated. I wanted to die. I felt like I was a failure as a woman, damaged goods, if you will. I know now that having children doesn't define you as a woman. It's how you live your life being an example to those around you.

I still have the hole. Maybe some day, we'll get to adopt. Right now, we're not ready, financially or otherwise. I have plenty of nieces and nephews to love on and spoil if I get those maternal feelings. Of course, I find myself even to this day uncomfortable around my inlaws because of my childlessness. They don't really understand my feelings in regards to the childlessness because they all have kids, except for one.

Now back to the pain, I have done many a things to try and relieve the pain. I have tried the physical therapy route and I also went for a pain consultation with a pain management specialist. He turned me away after finding out that I had been physically abused as a child (over 10 years ago).

He told me he wouldn't see me again UNLESS I saw my psychologist and started dealing again with my abuse issues. Personally, I felt like he was out of line and off his rocker for telling me that. I haven't been back since.

Maybe I'm settling for less when it comes to the pelvic pain. But the battle wears you down. I get tired of fighting this. I get tired of getting my hopes up and then being deflated all over again. Why bother to think positive if there's nothing that can be done for you. For someone like me who's going on 25, I feel like I'm 80.

I don't know where I'm going to go from here. I guess I'll stay where I'm at until something else comes on the horizon. The only thing I can tell other women in my situation is never give up the fight. Keep pushing until you get the results you want. If the doctor isn't doing the job you think he ought to be doing, find someone else who will help address and lessen the problems.

Don't settle for less than what you deserve. All women who have chronic pain or endo deserve to live pain-free. As I've learned from a very good friend, you are your best advocate when it comes to your healthcare.

Danielle Cobb